U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's shark week go big or go home
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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