M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
