I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
