i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
