put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
