I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
