I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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