I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
