I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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