I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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