I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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