I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
