I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
