im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
