fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
