wakey wakey hands off snakey
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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