i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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