Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
