I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
