Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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