Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize