I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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