I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
