My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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