if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
