fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
