so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
