yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
