Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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