I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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