also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
