i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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