1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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