Please, let me fuck your mom
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
My cat gives me a boner
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
