i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize