If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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