You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
