You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
