I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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