i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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