First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
