my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
