My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
