You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
