My boss' voice literally gives me gas
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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