3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I did not marry a roomba.
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