my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
