Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
