I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize