No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
