So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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