her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
