Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If I die, sorry about rent.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
