He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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