So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
