I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
